You don't have to know it all

Photo: Ellen Emery

I often feel that - especially in this phase of my life - I am supposed to know it all. People are constantly asking what my future plans are, whether it's tomorrow, next week, next month, next semester, next year, post grad, 10 years down the road...you get it. I am expected to know what's in the cards. But, let's be honest: no one does, and that is 100 percent ok.

This is new: I decided to double major in journalism and business marketing. I am now getting questions every day on how I plan on graduating on time. How am I going to balance having a life and having a double major? How am I going to pay for an extra semester if needed? How am I going to have time for two internships with so many classes? What do you even want to do with your life? Whoa everyone, calm down. I don't know and that's ok. 

This is also new: I am applying to study abroad in New Zealand from May 5 to June 6 of 2014. This study abroad program is brand new for communication and journalism students only. It's competitive because only 12 students get to go, but I have to go because, well, it's New Zealand. Now I'm getting more questions. How am I going to handle not being home for another month? How am I going to pay for it? What will I do if I don't get in?

Consequently, I've realized in the last few weeks as I've tried to plan my life out for the next couple of years that I really can't until I know a couple more things. I need to know if I'm going to New Zealand to schedule my classes for next semester. I need to know what my summer plans are to know if I'll be taking classes this summer. I have to know what next summer is going to look like to plan how many units to take next semester. I need to know if I'll pass my CLEP tests to get out of the classes I need to.

And the more I tried to plan, the more I realized I can't. There is nothing more humbling than not knowing what the next year is going to look like. I have often given out the advice not to worry, and have brought up the flowers of the field and the birds of the air and the way God provides, but have never taken the advice myself...until now. I had never been in a position where I honestly had no clue what the future holds. I have been praying for humility for over a year now, and it seems like God has been delivering this year with dose after dose (or maybe kick after punch) of pure humility.

But the greatest thing is that instead of doubting everything I know, I have been leaning into His direction more. I thought my uptight control freak self would panic in this moment, but I've never loved not knowing more.

So here's to not knowing, and to feeling out of control, and to leaning in and letting God move. 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, 

for tomorrow will worry about itself. 

Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

Matthew 6:24